Nothing is ever just BLACK or WHITE.

Everything in my life is gray. Issues that should be either black or white turnout to be a yin-yang mix of both, leaving me stuck in the middle to sort out the details. Living in a world of constant entropy, my life tends to disorder. I struggle to keep things neat and predictable, and yet always end up making a mess riddled with systematic and random error. Trying to maintain some sense of balance in my life, I end up burning my candle at both ends.

I feel like everything is changing so quickly. I am leaving my home, job, family, and friends for a new adventure. I am forming new relationships and messing up old ones. I'm never happy. Never fully satisfied as it seems. I always feel the need to be on a quest to fill the constantly shifting void in my life. Being single, I long to be in a relationship. When a relationship comes along, I long to be single. My roller-coaster spirituality and relationship with God are far from immune to the constant mistakes I make. I feel like a slipping Christian somedays and running to make up for lost ground during the next. This constant flux from high to low, good to bad, happy to sad is the horrible and yet invigorating substance of life we all experience each day. Without feeling pain, we can't appreciate pleasure. Without experiencing sadness, we cant enjoy the benefits of happiness. Without darkness, we can't find the light.

I just hate the unknown. Hate the constantly changing and unpredictable future. I remember when I was little, my grandfather once told me: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans for the future." As an adult, Im sure God has laughed at me a number of times. For it never really seems to matter how many calculations I perform or how many times I evaluate the statistical probability of a particular desired outcome. It wont happen as I plan. In life, nothing is ever just black or white.  Nothing is as simple as I want it to be. There are always unexpected factors and unanticipated adaptations in every evolving system. As life changes, so do I. As my plans change, I must adapt to the change or risk being left behind. At most, all I can do is attempt to weigh the costs and benefits of each situation and then let God handle the fine details. I suppose that's easier said than done for some situations. I am only human, and have not even faith the size of a mustard seed.

--Updates--

Taxes are done. I owed the federal government ~$80.00 and the state owed me $310.00. TruboTax was as easy as they claimed, but not as free. The free portion was only for the federal return processing. I had to pay about $23.00 for the state return to be processed.

I am continuing to box up my world in anticipation of this big adventure! My small room is filling up with a plethora of plain brown boxes. The rest of my apartment is really starting to look bare. How exciting! In the mean time, I have been searching for apartments and houses on Craigslist. There are so many options out there!! Although I will be living with my brother in the beginning, it is still exciting to look at all of the possibilities.

Contacts. I just got my "permanent" contact lenses yesterday, at $110.00 above my insurance coverage. It's okay thought because I really LOVE them!!! They work great!!! Just today, I got both contacts in my eyes in under 30 seconds! I'm basically a contact-pro now! ;)